Dating and finding one of the most significant relationships in your life can and should take time.
The journey needs patience and resilience to handle the inevitable setbacks along the way.
I believe building that strong foundation prepares you for relationship success, and one of the elements to setting your strong, resilient foundation for confident dating is, to ensure your beliefs are working for you not against you.
What thoughts, opinions, beliefs fears about dating ruminate in your mind the most?
Your beliefs can be the biggest obstacles to attracting your ideal partner and often are for many of us until we've consciously eliminated them.
Unless your beliefs are supporting your mission to attract your ideal partner, you're likely to be feeling stuck, jaded, and therefore moving at a snail's pace with low expectations for success.
The trouble with these self- imposed limiting beliefs is that they feel so comfortable and familiar; so we hold on to them, even though we often know better.
They give us the safest answers to our most troubling questions about dating and men.
Your dating "story" is based on your beliefs. If they're limiting, you may have decided on the reasons, which in your mind are now facts, as to why it's "difficult" or "impossible" to attract and keep your ideal partner.
Some of the typical ones we often hear are:
My lifestyle/location is working against me- My Town/Country is too big, too busy or too small.
There are no good single men around
Men never approach me
Men are intimidated by me because I'm a strong, successful women
Men are all the same
In fact, any assumptions about how men, think, behave and, feel. (There seem to alot of man experts out there)
I'll get hurt, disappointed or rejected
I'm bad at choosing good men
I attract non-committal men.
I'm bad at dating
Online dating is full of scammers/ married men
Men want younger women with model looks.
Men don’t understand me.
I don't want people to think I'm desperate for a relationship.
They have a "victim" energy about them, don't you think?
Most, if not all are based on assumptions, incorrect information, or one or two bad experiences which are part of life. Or it could be that your confidence is off track, and needs re-directing.
So as a result, we explain away our lack of dating success with these types of generalisations (excuses)
It’s normal. It feels better. We can’t explain it any other way, until we know better and take control of our circumstances.
If you’re thinking this way, you’re literally talking yourself into NOT achieving the relationship you want.
Changing Your Self-Talk will change your Dating Success.
The simple solution is to just think differently and change. That's true, but it's worth acknowledging the reason our limiting beliefs are formed, and why they influence us so strongly.
Why do we Get Stuck in these Negative Thought Patterns?
Research has found that we think on average 50,000 to 70,000 thoughts every day, and that 80% of those thoughts are the same as the day before.
Most of our thoughts and beliefs are an ingrained pattern of thinking, which we now believe to be facts, which run on autopilot repeatedly, unconsciously.
"We are neurobiologically hardwired to make sense of our thoughts, and hurt in a struggle, as fast as we can and if we come up with a story to make sense of it, our brain chemically rewards us for that. Whether it's accurate or not. So these stories have to be really tested" Dr Brene Brown
For example, if you believe men are untrustworthy, and you meet a deceitful man, who hurts you, it reinforces your belief and the cycle begins again because you were "right".
There go another few months, possibly years with this belief clouding your judgement and actions.
We're so comfortable and familiar with our limiting beliefs, that we don't challenge them over the years, and they influence how we view the world, our decisions, how we solve problems and our behaviours.
When these beliefs aren’t serving us, they need re-programming. But we don't do this as often as we should.
Until we do that, our minds are running on "old, outdated, programming" from our past experiences, even it was just one brief comment or encounter.
Why do we update our phones, our cars, TV’s, computers; throw out old clothes, shoes, makeup, handbags, to stay current and modern; yet manage our lives with “old” thoughts and beliefs which don’t have a positive purpose or enhance our life experience ?
Learning to challenge these unhelpful, outdated beliefs by considering them "fake" facts, will shift your energy and move your life forward.
That's if you want to. If you're comfortable as you are, carry on!
Science has proven though, conflicting beliefs won't lead to change, they need to be replaced.
For example, if you want to meet your ideal partner for a long-term commitment, but have one or more of those beliefs mentioned earlier, you'll attract men of course, and a committed partner if you want to, but he's not likely to be your ideal partner.
Your judgement and dating compass will be off, with your limiting beliefs guiding you.
This is how many good people, end up in bad and unhappy relationships.
You owe it to yourself, to upgrade and eliminate any limiting beliefs that have long expired, and are worthless.
Here's how you can begin to do that.
Practical Steps to Overcome Limiting Beliefs
You need to want to change them, believe that you're in control of changing them, and can. If you don't you won’t.
Get honest with yourself, about all your limiting beliefs. It’ll feel uncomfortable, but that isn’t a bad thing.
It’s important you’re kind to yourself, during this step.
Identify and acknowledge your current limiting beliefs without self-judgment, self-criticism, blame or over-analysing the reasons.
They are what they are. You have developed these beliefs for a reason, and now you’re replacing them.
It’s a human challenge, and most of us have had them
Challenge your beliefs. Ask yourself, what truth or evidence exists to support your belief. (It happened to someone you know, doesn’t count) Your worldview and beliefs need to be relatable and realistic to you.
Decide which healthy, positive beliefs you will replace the old ones with, so that they serve you, and move you towards the relationship and life you want.
For example. There are many good single men available, and I will create opportunities to meet them.
Doing this clears the path for you to move forward, positively and feel lighter, as you don’t have the draining energy of those negative beliefs weighing you down anymore.
Make a list of the limiting beliefs you have lingering in your mind around some of these areas in the context of dating and relationships.
Avoid analysing or judging them.
Beliefs about “men” plural
your judgement in choosing the right man for you
Available Single Men
Losing your independence/ individuality in a relationship
Trusting your partner
Now take a moment to challenge them by answering these Questions
What evidence do you have that these beliefs are true?
How is having these beliefs influencing your decisions and actions in your dating life?
What could you do and who would you be if they didn't exist?
Ultimately, you are in complete control of the beliefs you choose to live by. Not outside circumstances.
What positive, helpful, uplifting beliefs will you decide to live by from now, to replace those limiting beliefs?
How will you keep these new beliefs in mind from now on?
What will stop you do that?
What support do you need to make them stick?
How do these new Beliefs feel to you?
If you've reached this far, congratulations. for your open-mindedness, and emotional flexibility.
You've taken bold steps that many resist even considering.
It may take days, a few weeks or months to fully realise the difference. Succeeding at this, as with anything in life needs your commitment to the process, then it becomes more effortless.
You also need to stay objective about your mind chatter, and not allow it to suck you back in. You can't dissolve the old beliefs if you listen to that.
After all, you are re-programming beliefs that have defined your view of the world for months, years or your entire life.
You might also like this blog post and free guide to help you replace dating fears with self trust HERE
Good luck, and enjoy welcoming the re-energised you, ready to take bold steps forward to achieve the relationship you deserve.
P.S If you’d like personalised confidential support to prepare for your new chapter in love, schedule your 30 minute lovesmart strategy call with me below. I’d love to connect with you.