Have you experienced a pattern of attracting and investing in relationships with the same type of men?
Do you feel unlike your usual self when you’re dating or in a relationship? Perhaps you feel more anxious, insecure, confused than normal?
Do you feel like you experience more struggles and challenges in dating and attracting a healthy happy relationship, compared to others who seem to approach it fearlessly?
In my previous blog I shared five universal Love Blocks (here) that operate beneath the surface of many smart single men and women until they consciously dissolve them to clear the path to an empowered, confident dating journey.
In this blog, I’m sharing the importance of understanding how our Relationship Blue print is influenced, so that you build on the strong foundation to cultivate your new Relationship Blueprint effortlessly.
I’m talking about two key elements, and my hope is that it will reassure you about the fact that some of the challenges and struggles you may be experiencing right now, in dating and attracting a healthy, happy relationship, you may have inherited unconsciously and are unknowingly keeping you off track.
I’ve personally experienced this, and until I gained the laser clarity about my own relationship blueprint, I continued repeating negative dating and relationships patterns.
Re-writing your Relationship blueprint is within your control, and when you understand yours, you’ll be able to eliminate the behaviours and habits, that aren’t serving you anymore, and focus on more empowering actions.
Here are the two, to deepen your self awareness and to reflect on where you may need to cultivate a new healthy relationship design. As Maya Angelou told us in her famous quote
“When you know better, you do better”
1. Understand your Love Map
Your Love map is influenced by your psychological, biological, social and cultural effects stemming from childhood. They shaped your learned behaviour about love and relationships.
According to psychologist Jon Money
"Our “love map” — is a group of messages encoded in our brains that describes our likes and dislikes. It shows our preferences in hair and eye colour, in voice, smell, body build. It also records the kind of personality that appeals to us, whether it’s the warm and friendly type or the strong, silent type. In short, we fall for and pursue those people who most clearly fit our love map. And this love map is largely determined in childhood. By age eight, the pattern of our ideal mate has already begun to float around in our brains”.
Our brains are hard-wired to love what's familiar, so it's inevitable that unless learned behaviour is replaced with new habits and healthier behaviours and a new vision of your ideal relationship that supports us, we will naturally be attracted to familiar relationship patterns.
You have the power to rewrite your Relationship Blueprint so that you attract your ideal relationship while honouring yourself each step of the way.
Here are a few questions to ask yourself to begin to understand yours.
1. What relationship behaviours did your parents model for you?
2. How did they talk about Love, relationships, men and women?
3. Who were the positive relationship role models in your life?
4. What messages did you receive about happy relationships and marriage from those examples?
5. What have been your positive and negative relationship patterns
To begin re-framing your Relationship Blueprint into your Ideal version:
Make a list of the Best qualities you would love to emulate and have in your own dream relationship?
Make a list of the behaviours, qualities, actions you do not want to have?
This Guidebook will support you to create a new blueprint about your ideal relationship values, needs and goals. Download it here.
1. Understand your Attachment Style.
Our Attachment Style affects everything from our partner selection to how well our relationships progress to, how they end. This with your familial and past relationship patterns form your Current Relationship Blueprint.
Its underpinned by neuroscientists Dr Amir Levine and Rachel Hellers research about how understanding adult attachment can help us find and sustain love. Its based on psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby theory of childhood attachment.
In essence "the science of adult attachment predicts, how people will behave in romantic relationships and whether they will be well matched - on the basis of their “attachment style”. These are
* Secure attachment style (just over 50% of the population)
This is the ideal style. These are warm and loving, and relationships come naturally to them. They are great at communicating their needs and feelings. They feel secure and connected while allowing themselves and their partner to move freely.
* Anxious attachment style (about 21% of the population)
They love to be very close to their partner and have the capacity for a lot of intimacy. However, they often fear that their partner does not want to be as close as they would like and can be very sensitive to small fluctuations in their partner’s moods. Instead of feeling real love or trust they often feel emotional hunger. They seek a sense of safety and security by clinging but push their partner away.
* Avoidant attachment style (25% of the population)
Feel the need to maintain their independence. Even though they want to be in a relationship, they tend to keep their partner at arm’s length. They live in an ambivalent state. Afraid of being both too close to or too distant from others. they want to go to for safety in the same person they are frightened to be close to.
It's important to understand your attachment style and recognise the attachment style of the men you date. Your ideal style is to shift into the secure attachment style.
I’ve been both avoidant and anxious in the past.
To discover yours TAKE THE ATTACHMENT STYLE QUIZ HERE
These steps will undeniably support you to feel empowered on your Dating Journey to a happy, healthy relationship.
In summary in this short blog you have clarified
How your Relationship Blueprint influences your dating and relationship journey.
How your attachment style will influence who you’re attracted to, and how you feel in your relationship, unless you have a secure attachment style.
How to begin re-designing your New Relationship Blueprint according to your Needs and Values today and for your new chapter in Love and Life
I hope this has helped you appreciate the many layers to cultivating rock solid confidence about attracting the relationship you want and deserve.
P.S If you would like personalised support to create your new relationship blueprint, and to uncover the most effective steps to achieve your dream relationship, without second guessing yourself, contact me below for a complimentary Love.Smart Strategy call