Modern Dating can be challenging without the right preparation and a smart strategy but it doesn't have to be hard, or frustrating.
It's very easy to blame outside circumstances and you have good reason to. Technology, modern “lazy”communication paired with a culture of instant gratification for many doesn't inspire genuine connection and attraction to blossom easily, which is why we have to be as smart in love as every other important area of our lives.
The truth is, you're more in control of the quality of your dating life than you might believe.
Understanding how your own behaviour is influencing your dating and relationship patterns or avoidance to it is one of the most life changing shifts you can make to transform your relationship destiny.
Whether you’re preparing to date again after a long break from relationships, but you're anxious, uncomfortable, hesitant, about where and how to begin.
Or you're actively dating and feel disheartened by the flaky, "ungentlemanly" men you're connecting with, and want to give up to continue enjoying single life for another year or three.
You can turn your experience around with a few simple shifts and a little faith into a positive and rewarding one.
Knowledge is power, and an essential component of being ready to date with rock-solid confidence is to have laser clarity about your potential love blocks so that they don't unconsciously sabotage your dating and relationship success.
When you master these, with self-compassion your dating journey to a healthy happy relationship is less confusing and much more empowering.
How our Love Blocks Influence Our Dating and Relationship Patterns
Our love blocks operate under the surface of everything we say and do, and even though we don’t realise it, they control who we attract and how we feel in our relationships.
It shows up in the men we attract, are attracted to and date- unavailable, untrustworthy, flaky, hot and cold.
In the way, we feel with them - unfulfilled, disconnected, unsupported, lonely, fearful, incomplete.
How we feel about ourselves - lonely, afraid, not pretty/slim/smart/young/good enough, anxious.
They make us look for validation of our self- worth outside of ourselves and not from the most important person- YOU!
Five Love Blocks we need to dissolve to clear the path to a Healthy, happy, relationship.
1. The Fear of Being Rejected / Abandoned
Opening up to love requires a smart risk and vulnerability.
The reality is there are no guarantees and the most important quality you can cultivate is the self-trust that you will be able to handle any situation regardless of the outcome.
If the "threat" of rejection or being abandoned is constricting you, you also won't ever experience a healthy, happy relationship with the partner perfect for you.
2. The Fear of Losing your Freedom (being smothered)
Being single comes with a lot of freedom – you decide how to prioritise your time.
Have you found yourself feeling that being in a relationship will result in too much compromise, a loss of individuality, freedom and personal space?
3. Not being Honest about your Needs and Desires. You have conflicting Beliefs about Love
While your fears are designed to keep you safe, if your beliefs about Relationships, Men/ women, Dating, Love are limiting and negative they will cancel out your desire and ability to attract your Relationship Goal.
They cannot co-exist. Your mind cannot hold conflicting beliefs they have to be replaced.
What are you saying to yourself about dating, relationships, men, love?
Love Block 4- Resentment from Past Relationships
If you start dating with the residue and energy of an "ex" within you, it's an attraction killer.
Harbouring unresolved emotions (anger, hurt, hate) about your ex-partner, will unknowingly manifest in your communication style, conversation, behaviour, openness and energy.
While you're still energetically attached to the past you're emotionally closed to new opportunities to love and not an attractive match for a potentially perfect partner for you.
The reality is we all come to new relationships with “baggage” from the past. It isn’t a negative thing, and contributes to who you are now as an individual, and what you bring to your relationship.
A real test to learn if you have healed from the past and ready to move on, is your energy.
How do you feel in your body, when you talk about your ex, and your past relationship? Do you feel tense, on edge, emotional, intense, angry, critical?
If you aren’t sure, your friends, family or dates will be able to tell. We’ve all been on those dates, where he talked intensely about his ex right? Its a red flag on both sides.
Your ideal state is to be able to speak openly, calmly and objectively about what you have learned from the last relationship and what you’re looking for as a result?
Love Block No 5- Not feeling Lovable.
Being happy and contented within yourself and your life, and embodying your value and self-worth will influence the quality of your life, your relationships and the standards you practice when you're dating.
Authentically loving and valuing yourself encompasses many elements such as practising healthy boundaries, valuing yourself, honouring yourself. A great test is to answer these questions.
Do you treat yourself with the same care, love, respect and kindness that you show your loved ones?
Are you speaking to yourself with the same encouragement, praise and compassion that you do to your loved ones? Or is your self talk critical and negative?
Are you placing your needs before everyone else or do you think of others needs before your own?
The level that you do this is directly related with the amount of kindness, compassion love you are receptive to and allow from others.
Have you recognised any of these potential love blocks within you?
Most of our thoughts and beliefs are an ingrained pattern of thinking, which we now believe to be facts, which run on autopilot repeatedly, unconsciously.
"We are neurobiologically hardwired to make sense of our thoughts, and hurt in a struggle, as fast as we can and if we come up with a story to make sense of it, our brain chemically rewards us for that. Whether it's accurate or not. So these stories have to be really tested" - Dr Brene Brown
For example, if you believe men are untrustworthy, and you meet a deceitful man, who hurts you, it reinforces your belief and the cycle begins again because you were "right".
We're so comfortable and familiar with our limiting beliefs, that we don't challenge them over the years, and they influence how we view the world, our decisions, and behaviour.
When these beliefs aren’t serving us, they need re-programming. But we don't do this as often as we should.
Unless we do that, our minds are running on "old, outdated, programming".
It isn't difficult but it does require effort some guidance and a little faith that you can do it, which you can. It’s like achieving any goal in life.
Here are 2 steps you can take right now to begin diffusing the energy around your current Love Blocks
Replace Negative Beliefs with Constructive, Helpful Ones that Support You with these four steps.
1. Identify your current limiting beliefs and negative thoughts about men, dating, relationships and you without judgement, self-criticism, blame or over-analysing the reasons.
They are what they are. You have developed these beliefs for a reason, and now it’s time to let them go.
2. Challenge your beliefs. Ask yourself, what truth or evidence exists to support your belief? How are they helping you?
3. Replace the outdated beliefs with empowering ones, so that they serve you, and move you towards the relationship and life you want. For example. There are many good single men available, and I will create opportunities to meet them.
4. Be intentional about enforcing your new beliefs and thoughts, so they become familiar, and a natural thought process for you over time. Repeat as needed. This will shift your energy, openness and that will attract like minded people to you.
2. Understand your Secondary Gains
What are your non-obvious benefits of not changing your situation for example not starting to date or attracting the same type of non-committal men?
It's an unconscious coping mechanism and why you may be staying stuck for longer than necessary.
In the case of starting to date again, it's supporting you to avoid risk, rejection and vulnerability.
Have you decided you enjoy your life and independence too much for the “hassle” of dating again?
Are you so busy at work, new projects, or looking after your children's needs, that you've decided not to take time for you and you'll start someday.....?
Are you waiting to lose weight, feel ready, more confident to start dating, and because you haven't yet you're not going to date or perhaps not bother with a relationship again? Too much like hard work?
1. What do I get to Not Feel or experience by staying in this situation or continuing this?
2. What am I gaining by not taking action and staying stuck?
3. What does it accomplish?
4. What would like to experience instead?
These two self reflective exercises, will allow you to begin reconnecting with your real needs beneath all the barriers you may have created for yourself not to move forward with your actual heart goal.
Here are additional Resources to support you to lay the strong resilient foundation to starting over in Love with Rock Solid Confidence
I would love to know if one or more of these Love Blocks have resonated with you. Do let me know in the comments below
To your Continued Success and Rock Solid Confidence in Love and Life!