In my recruitment career, I used to feel excited when I met that one impressive candidate with the “edge” who was a perfect match over a sea of boring, flaky or unmemorable ones.
They would meet the criteria for the job role, and more importantly, they had the attitude, character, and goals which were the perfect fit.
This counted more than academic credentials and depending on the role, even experience.
It's much the same in dating.
You're "interviewing" many potential matches, to see if you're compatible and if there's a shared interest to discover more about each other, in a low-pressure way.
For each role much like in dating, we had at least 5 non-negotiable must have's, as well as the non-essential preferences for the ideal candidate.
We maintained those non-essential standards, without compromise.
The implications and consequences of not upholding those non-negotiables would impact on our guest service, our success as a business, the moral of the team, etc.
We would be settling for low-quality standards, which doesn't work in the 5 Star Hospitality environment- or in any high quality business environment.
During the 90-day probation (discovery) period we'd express our standards and expectations, as well as understanding his or hers, and if we noticed we weren't on the same page.i.e. there was no consistency, follow through, a bad attitude, tardiness, disrespect and lack of progress, well, we didn't continue the relationship and wished them all the best.
This principle applies in dating, during the early stages, yet it's a blind spot for many women.
It's important to balance the head and the heart and tune into your feelings each step of the way.
This allows you not to attach to the outcome too soon. So let's reaffirm the importance of doing this because ultimately you decide how you want to be treated by the man you're dating.
Compromising your dating standards doesn't move you towards your Dream Relationship.
What are your non-negotiable 5 star standards about how you want to be treated?
I work with successful, smart, strong women, who know their standards about how they want to be treated by a quality man, yet at times , dance around upholding them during the early discovery period and beyond.
One example is that they are too flexible, and accommodating of behaviour and actions that don't meet their standards from the men they're dating, during the "probation" period.
These can include
Accepting last minute meet up requests and generally being available when he asks, at his convenience.
Accepting texting conversations, rather than a personal phone call.
Overlooking a broken arrangement to meet. i.e. disappearing and re-connecting a few days later without mention of the plans you discussed.
Being too available at this convenience for example after he disappeared in between conversations and dates, and reappearing to ask you to meet or chat, making you feel like an afterthought.
Perhaps rearranging your diary, and other commitments not to "lose" the opportunity to see him again. Sometimes before he's confirmed, or following up with him to verify because he hasn't.
Accepting or justifying the reasons, he isn't investing in you as much as you would like and hanging in there anyway. i.e. Too busy, Too stressed, Family Drama or no courteous reason at all, but pleased he made contact eventually.
By remaining available and investing time with him, and ignoring the facts (red flags) that his behaviour and actions are "showing you", and not trusting your intuition.
Not knowing or wanting to express your needs and showing him your standards, out of fear of how he will perceive you.
Your 5 Star Standards and how you embody and express them, distinguish you as a High-Value Woman.
This begins with how you want to be treated, and conveying that in a low pressure, way through your actions, and by how you express yourself.
To do that it’s essential you have absolute clarity, about what these are, and honouring them. This looks like distancing your self from men who "show" you low-quality behaviour and actions, which don't meet your standards.
When you are clear on these, in order for the quality man to respect them, and see you as high value, it's essential you embody these during your communication.
The part that can be the trickiest until you strengthen your boundary muscles, is to not "reward" behaviour and actions that don't meet your standards. Rewarding looks like, ignoring, dismissing, justifying the actions and behaviours, which are NOT OK with you. This blog is helpful to begin practising healthy boundaries without guilt.
And yes, that might mean the wrong man for you, does disappear (a good thing) and the quality High-Value man is drawn to you even more. Because he values a woman who values and respects herself, and "expresses" her feelings in a feminine, calm way and follows through.
No demands, no angry confrontations, no manipulation, No games.They aren’t necessary and cancel out your high value position.
Here are a few shared qualities High-Value men or the Nice guys with "Edge" have which inspire attraction in women.
As a reminder looks, wealth, career success etc,have some importance but don't sustain deep lasting attraction and a healthy, happy relationship. I write more about that in this blog “The difference between being picky and having high standards”
Here are some ideas to support you in deciding your essential non- negotiable standards in a potential partner.
1) HE’S PRO-ACTIVE, NOT REACTIVE
They have a plan and goals, in life and apply this to dating. They make an effort; take the initiative and take the lead by making plans and following through.
2) HE’S LASER FOCUSED ABOUT WHAT HE WANTS IN LIFE AND IN HIS RELATIONSHIP
They know what they are looking for in a relationship, why they want it, have a vision about what it will look and feel like, and take consistent action to attract it with class, quiet confidence, and style.
3) HE’S HONEST AND HAS INTEGRITY
They are honest and respectful of the people in their lives. Even it means someone may be upset with them. They understand that being upfront and reliable is more respectful and expect it themselves.
4) HE’S KIND, THOUGHTFUL, CARING AND GENEROUS
They invest time with people, because they care and genuinely want to, not because they are going to gain something in return.
In dating, they are upfront about whether they are looking for casual dating or for a relationship. If the woman he is dating is looking for a relationship and he is not, he has the integrity not to mislead her and lets her go before intimacy under false pretence.
He has a genuine spirit of generosity with his time, energy and understands that dating means paying for his date for the first few dates at least. (point 12 relates to this point also)
5) HE HAS INDEPENDENT OPINIONS
They are independent thinkers, express their opinions respectfully, and respect and appreciate views that are different to theirs.
He isn’t easily swayed and influenced by friends, and family, because he is tuned into his own inner compass and life vision.
6) HE HAS PASSIONS
They are inspired by passions in their life, whether it’s their career, hobbies, or interests and actively get involved or are working towards it. If they hate their job, they don’t focus on that, they find enjoyment in their passions and work towards changing their circumstances.
7) HE’S RELIABLE AND FOLLOWS THROUGH ON HIS WORD
They can manage and handle the busy-ness with low drama. They do what they say they're going to do, and mean what they say. They don't make excuses or have a victim mentality.
When necessary work, personal events take over they call, and re-schedule or are upfront. They don't make plans without integrity or not meaning them.
8) HE’S EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT.
They have reached the “Adult” phase of Emotional Intelligence or working towards it. They can communicate openly, honestly, and confidently about what they want and need and listen equally even though it may feel uncomfortable to them. (the 3 stages of emotional intelligence)
9) HE RESPECTS WOMEN
They appreciate and respect women in their own right, and don’t buy into generalisations and stereotypes. They understand the woman he's dating is equally busy with her career, and personal life.
10) HE IS EVOLVED ROMANTICALLY
High-value men have evolved beyond their teenage/ man child behaviour with regard to romance and sex.
They don’t rely on the low-quality adolescent tactics, and manipulation to connect with women.
They respect a woman who says "no", and isn't ready to be intimate. He doesn't push for sex if she isn't ready and has expressed she wants to get to know him better first.
Not respecting your "no" without pressure is a massive red flag, and in my opinion enough to walk away from him.
Never accommodate or justify him, not respecting your "no".
Quality men are more confident, discreet, subtle and sincere. They understand that connecting and romancing a high-value- women don't come from a place of neediness, but starts with being genuine and approaching her as a friend, not a conquest.
11) HE IS DECISIVE WHEN NEEDED
They make decisions with confidence; if it’s planning a date, he decides the place. If his date suggests somewhere else, he listens, considers otherwise he sticks to his decision, and doesn’t flounder.
12) HE PRACTICES HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
They are strong and have clear boundaries. He isn’t a pushover and communicates easily and directly if someone has crossed his boundaries. He is astute and aware when someone is taking advantage of his good nature or not appreciating him, and handles it in a low-drama way.
13) HE’S SOCIALLY INTELLIGENT.
They have healthy self-esteem and have great conversations easily with a variety of different people. They don’t have the need to be the centre of attention and genuinely enjoy listening and showing interest in people.
They consciously bring a good energy and vibe to their dates and want to leave people with a good feeling.
14) HE’S CURIOUS
If they are unclear or confused by a situation, they ask questions with the view to understanding someone’s position, feelings, thoughts without pre-judgment or assumptions. They show they’re genuinely interested in people.
15) HE KNOWS HIS VALUE BUT IS HUMBLE
They have an aura of quiet confidence. They have developed the capability to be open to love despite their fears and occasional self-doubt, which is human nature. They don't allow their fears to hold them back; they can handle rejection with grace and without taking it personally.
They don’t need validation from outside sources in the form of material possessions or lots of attention to feel good- they just feel good.
16) HE DOESN'T TAKE HIMSELF TOO SERIOUSLY.
They have the high quality to be able to laugh at themselves, and not take themselves too seriously. The laugh easily and have a healthy, smart sense of humour.
These are just a few, and some may not be as important to you, like consistency, and reliability.
Nobody is perfect, successful dating requires an awareness of yourself and the person you want to attract and be in a relationship with.
So the next step is to clarify your own standards about how you want to be treated, which will help you discern if your date is a suitable potential candidate.
Following that, it's important to stay tuned into your intuition and recognise that you cannot change anybody.
When he is showing you who he is, and his actions and behaviour don't meet your needs, your power is to chose whether you will accept it, or walk away from it. You know deep down that it won't make you happy in the long -term.
Attraction is very subjective and individual.
For the best opportunities to inspire attraction from your ideal quality partner, it’s important to have clarity on your own values and to embody the qualities you aspire to attract in him also. If all of these qualities above are inspiring to you, are you confident that you also embody them consistently.
It’s also vital to deflect assumptions, and stereotypes about “what all men want” and to source reliable, quality information and insights about what the type of man you aspire to be in a relationship with, is also attracted to, with regard to qualities, energy, attitude, presence, communication style openness. You might like this blog “Debunking Common Myths about men”
It isn’t usually what you have been led to believe or hear from people around you, who are sharing their opinions based on their perceptions, personal experiences, lives and not yours.
Ask yourself ...
1) What are my top five non negotiable dating standards.
2) What do I need a partner, and how do I ensure my needs are met?
3) What does the man I want to attract want in a partner?
4) What qualities inspire him that I am not practising as much?
5) What can I do to develop these qualities?
If you have identified all of these, with clarity and confidence, based on facts, and what's right and embody them, daily you already have the edge in dating.
You're also much closer than you think to your perfect “candidate” and loving relationship.
To feel prepared to attract your ideal high-quality man in 2019 and beyond schedule your free Lovesmart Strategy Call below.
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