One of the most frequently asked questions I receive from women, is how can they tell the man they’re dating is genuine and sincere?
Especially when he says all the right things in the early stages of dating.
These aren’t inexperienced women. They're smart, successful, educated and savvy in business and life.
Like many women, who have encountered their fair share of players, over the top charmers, and married men pretending to be single or separated; they don’t want to raise their hopes just to be disappointed again.
The truth is, these setbacks are inevitable in dating and life, and part of your journey to attracting your Ideal Relationship.
As a high-value woman, who is actively dating, you'll attract a variety of men, and in that mix, you’re going to encounter the emotionally immature men and players
The good news is, you can identify these early, by staying tuned in to the behaviours, habits, communication style and personality traits he reveals to you along the way.
These are five simple character revealing ways you can quickly learn more about the man you're dating, and how sincere he is.
1. Understand what he has learned from past significant relationships
It's an important question at the right time, within the first couple of dates.
A man who is emotionally mature, and relationship ready, will be respectful, reflective and clear about what he'll do differently for his next relationship to be happy and last.
There won't be any ambiguity or rawness.
He'll take ownership for his part in the relationship ending. As will you, right?
The man who gets too heavy about how bad his last relationship was, during your first few dates, isn't showing you consideration or self-awareness.
There are always two sides to the story, in a relationship break up, so stay wary of a one-sided " victim" style story.
Remember you're not his counsellor to support him and offer him advice, while he talks about his hurt or problems. Avoid falling into that trap.
It may have been terrible, but you only want to know how he's grown from that experience, who he is now as a potential partner, and how emotionally available he is for YOU!.
2. Understand his "Why" in Life
Learning about his motivation behind his career, passions, relationship and life goals will show you his values, and beliefs effortlessly, as well as whether he has a "victim" mentality allowing life to "happen" to him.
The way he talks about the vision for his life, and how he lives his values, is the most character revealing.
Discovering his drivers in life helps you to decide if they are aligned with yours, and they need to be for you to have a chance of a future together .
If you're unsure about your key driving relationship values, I guide you through how best to clarify these in my (FREE EBOOK) .
3. Learn how he reacts when he's angry, or things don't his way.
Flexibility and making time for your dating life is necessary, as you're both busy. Placing everything else on hold, to be easily attainable for him isn't.
You lose your high value in his eyes by doing this, as well as preparing yourself to be taken for granted.
The way to understand his sincere level of interest is to avoid pushing aside commitments with friends, family, your hobbies or other dates, before you’re committed, to be available for him.
Then observe his response and behaviour when you’re not always available for him. If he doesn't care, that you’re not available, he won't persevere and will fade out.
If he gets agitated and has a bad attitude about it, or pushy, then consider yourself lucky to see his temperament so soon, and exit!
A man genuinely interested in you will respect you have a busy life, and suggest alternatives to see you in a respectful way, making you feel good about it.
4. How does he respond when you're not always available?
A confident, man with life experience and a strong sense of self, purpose and direction will know where he's going.
He'll share his goals with you gradually as he gets more comfortable with you.
He'll listen, ask questions and show curiosity about yours as well. He'll be be attentive and interested (not just talk about his own constantly)
This is especially true when you're more "objectively" successful than he is.
Be mindful not to confuse, his reaction to your success, with you turning him off with your masculine energy way of talking about your accomplishments. There's a difference.
Does he become your advisor, when you haven't asked for advice?
Be mindful of the man, who begins giving you unsolicited advice, or declares he wants to help you including financial support, connections etc in the first few dates.
If he does this early on, stay objective, and cautious.
In the interest of not being blindsided, understand that someone who behaves like this could have an anxious, needy attachment style or an agenda. Many men operate like this. The key is to avoid believing too much early on, without giving him space to "show" you with his consistent actions over time.
It will always be more intensive in the beginning. It's later that you will learn how sincere and capable he is to follow through and sustain it.
Emotionally mature, confident men don't feel the need to make grand declarations and promises when they've just met you. They have an inner, more quiet confidence and show their generosity through gestures and actions gradually over time.
5. How he Communicates between Dates & his Texting Style
A busy, confident man won't have time to be texting you throughout the day, and he'll respect that you too are busy.
Texting can be a fun, between dates and phone conversations to build your initial spark.
Observe, his tone, and texting style. Does it match yours?
Does he bombard you with constant texts after your first date, then cool off?
Does he never contact you between dates at all, or does he only text at odd hours, or send last minute date requests?
How many times does he call?
We live in a digital era, and it doesn't excuse bad manners and strange online behaviour, you wouldn't expect in person from a man.
Avoid rationalising bad manners, in texts and social media messages, as the way things are now. Your standards and boundaries should remain intact.
If his messages are low quality, disrespectful, seedy and needy. Don't engage, if it leaves a bad taste.
If he does this, he only sees you as a playmate for now or hasn't grown up.
If he's genuine, respectful and confident, he'll have the same manners in his text messaging style as he does offline. If he doesn't, what does it tell you?
If this makes him disappear, it's a good thing.
So set your comfortable pace at the beginning and maintain your boundaries. It doesn't mean you don't reply when you feel like it, just be mindful about the intensity of your availability in the early stages.
What not to Do
Avoid taking any future orientated statements to heart especially in the early stages of the relationship.
Don't be blindsided by his surface level qualities, accomplishments, looks, or the feelings you experience in the early stages.
I’ve talked with many women who on reflection tell me, that after a few dates they were told
- I can see us living together / buying a house together/ being together forever/ having children or I’ve never met anyone like you/ I will be so happy being with you.
But, he changed or disappeared not long after they were intimate, or after being together for a few months.
The men didn't change, they were "seen" for who they really are after the women became attached. It's happened to many good women.
This doesn’t mean, that even a decent man wasn’t sincere in his emotions in the excitement of the early stages of dating.
Your job is not to buy into his words, without giving him space and time to follow through with consistent actions to back them up.
How do you do this?
Take time to discover him, stay tuned in, and detached.
To discover the man you’re dating involves finding the right balance, between organically, learning who he is, and not wasting your time with the wrong one.
It can't be rushed, but you need to be alert to the red flags early on.
You need to be connected with your head, heart, and intuition, and make him feel comfortable to open up and be himself around you.
Its during this time, before you're emotionally attached that you can objectively "see" the man you're dating.
Instead release attachment from any outcome, stay present for each moment you're with your date, tune in, listen and enjoy understanding who they are, as well as their passions, needs, values, and goals.
A man will reveal himself, when the conversation feels natural, engaging and effortless, which you have the power to influence.
Attaching prematurely to an outcome without substance is one of the most common dating mistakes made by women.
This is to judge the outcome, make assumptions, or have unrealistic expectations prematurely.
If you're in your analytical head like this, instead of being receptive, you'll miss what he's showing you.
Everything you need to know will be revealed through the consistency of your his actions, behaviour, and attitude, and if they match his words over a few dates and in between.
This is what you need to be tuned into.
Real love needs a slower build up.
One helpful way to support you is NOT to place your dating life on hold, despite how much you initially like your date.
Continue connecting and having conversations with other quality men. Unless you’re exclusive, you’re not in a relationship and single.
Until you've developed a strong connection, and have both communicated and confirmed mutual feelings of attraction, and interest to be exclusive you're not in a relationship even if it feels like it.
Don't fall into the trap of assuming that you are, and wait for his next move.
With that said, take a moment to think about your expectations, and what you need to see, feel, experience to symbolize that this is a long-term future commitment for you?
Remember dating isn't a Relationship Yet
That phase can take a few weeks or months, maybe longer.
Your mission is to meet the Man you will be in one of your most important relationships with.
You are in complete control of that, and there are graceful ways to express and show this without it being a struggle or making demands.
Enjoy your dating journey, and stay selective along the way.
P.S If you'd like a conversation to discuss your dating challenges, and the high-value way to express your needs, without feeling that you have to strive, wait or struggle, contact me below.
Best Maria x