Writing your online dating profile, and selecting your best photographs are the most challenging steps for most of the 91 million people around the world using relationship and dating sites.
It “should” be straightforward and simple to express the essence of you, in an intriguing intelligent and engaging way.
The truth is, all the advice in the world doesn’t change the fact that, writing about you, in such a personal way, is intimidating, and makes us feel vulnerable and nervous.
The added pressure of it being “out there” in public intensifies it.
This contributes to the reason quality women avoid relationship sites, and why you may be minimising your authentic magnetism in your profile if you’re online already.
You also may have created your profile without being in tune with how quality men distinguish high-value women online. (and in person)
When these areas aren't in alignment, and you're not using quality sites to maximise your results, you're missing out on potential connections and dates.
To support you to maximising your success and enjoy your experience, I’m sharing the unconscious ways smart, single women don’t inspire connections from quality men online so that you avoid them to maximise your success and enjoy more dates with quality men.
This is the first in a series of three,
These principals also apply offline
Your Intention and Attitude
Your intention and attitude set the tone and contributes to the first impression you present to men on, and offline.
If you have doubts or fears about using relationship and dating sites, your profile and results will mirror these back to you.
Maintaining a healthy detachment during the initial online connection and messaging phase is necessary.
That said, if you express or project a half-hearted attitude, or that you don’t expect much from your online experience, it will deter quality men.
An example is this headline from a real profile.
“Just here to try this out... Not sure what to expect”
Similarly mentioning you haven’t had any luck before; or how online dating, is hard and frustrating, sends the message that you’re apprehensive, not particularly interested and not confident in yourself, or about meeting anyone.
A quality man isn’t going to invest his time connecting with you and he won’t take you seriously.
It will attract those low-quality men to you, that you don’t want to talk to, with an agenda, low standards, and who view your low energy as an opportunity.
Quality men engage with women with an upbeat, drama free confident and warm energy in their story, and messaging style.
They have an intentional approach which conveys that they’re online with a purpose to meet a relationship-minded man, in a light-hearted way, without saying that.
Decide on your intention and goal and commit to it positively
I encourage all my clients to prepare their strategy in advance, practice and adjust over time to eliminate overwhelm.
Your results reflect the effort you make in your profile and messaging, with regard to tone, attitude, and positivity. A consistent intentional approach yields more quality results.
Is your Profile influenced by your Masculine thinking energy or Your Feminine Feeling Energy?
A balance of both is important, but to inspire a masculine energy man, your classy, smart feminine energy is the way to stimulate his interest.
I’ve read profiles of intelligent women, which can sound very practical, direct, and bold. The tone and words are key, to avoid quality men interpreting your confidence as aggressive or controlling.
For example, even using the words
Only message me if you’re ...
Don’t message me if ...
Contact me if you can... i.e. keep up / stimulate my mind
These sound like conditions, and hard work which deters men.
Replace all of these with a softer approach
If you like the idea of.... add something light-hearted you can do together, or If you enjoy .... (Your specific interests) message me/ let’s connect,
This isn’t because they’re “intimidated” by your strength or success as commonly believed.
It’s because it sounds forceful and a little entitled, instead of gracious, and approachable.
Why it’s an Easy Trap
Strong, successful, busy women are instinctively assertive, strong and by nature, multi-tasking superheroes, in their daily lives.
They are inevitably functioning, striving and accomplishing everything through their masculine energy throughout the day, to manage their businesses, careers, children and homes.
If you’re writing your dating profile from your analytical, practical, solution focussed (over)thinking, headspace, it can sound like a formal business report or cv. It’s useful information, but without heart.
Dial up your feminine energy and write your profile from the heart, with only your ideal man in mind. What do you want him to know about you? Your goal is to attract him, not everyone.
If you struggle to express your feelings without analysis, it’s important to practice tuning into them daily, so that you become more comfortable with it. It’s a simple, practical step to begin connecting with, and dialling up your feminine energy, which is essential if you want to attract a masculine energy man.
The Seventy, Thirty Rule for your Profile.
Studies have shown that profiles with a balance 70% about yourself, and 30% about what you're looking for in a partner, receive the most replies because people have more confidence to connect with you.
How do you use the 70% of your "about me" description to present your best authentic self, and appeal to your ideal matches?
After all, it’s why you’re online, and you’re marketing yourself to him.
Show You're Multi Not One Dimensional
Your profile is only a snapshot of you and your life. It’s impossible to capture all your fabulousness in a few paragraphs, and we’re all inclined to exaggerate just a little.
Most women embody a range of amazing attributes, strengths, talents, and accomplishments, and the secret is to highlight a range concisely and elegantly in your profile.
The most successful profiles have a balance of a number of qualities, such as humour, mystery, playfulness, charm, self-deprecation, confidence, adventure, intelligence, femininity, boldness, and quirkiness.
Being over the top and boastful, or listing all your amazing qualities and things you love, or being too much of one thing, without balance is one dimensional and doesn’t stand out online.
Highlight your quirks and give specific examples to show you are different, with humour. This gives your profile a refreshing edge that stands out from a sea of one -dimensional profiles.
Be Specific Not Generic
While it’s important to make a good first impression, you also want to be authentic and avoid thinking about how “everyone” will perceive your profile information.
If you’re worried your PhD. or being a founder of your company will turn men off, or you’re hesitant to share that you have a child, or that you live a low key, happy life, it’s important to remember these are all compliments which make you unique and special.
When you express these in the right way, it will attract men genuinely impressed, to you, and will naturally filter men out who aren’t.
Even though you might get fewer messages, it’s a good thing as you’re attracting the men, who you’re more likely to be attracted to.
Playing it too safe and neutral doesn’t reveal your uniqueness or substance. The more personality you add to your profile the better
Statements to Avoid
These kinds of statements are overused, and men tune out, because, so is everybody else.
"I’m a nice caring person with a good heart".
"I am looking for an honest person who likes to have fun". (People will never say they’re dishonest)
"I’m down to earth, easy going, funny, loving, kind"
These are important values and qualities but don't distinguish you from any other person.
Similarly, profiles with lists of attributes, and characteristics are viewed as boastful and self-indulgent, and don't actually reveal anything at all about you.
Show Don’t Tell
When you’re describing yourself, your passions, and life, avoid “telling”. For example," I'm adventurous, down to earth, outgoing, funny".
These are subjective, so "show" how you are, by giving specific examples to define them.
Adventure for one person may be eating at a new restaurant and doing hot yoga, to another it might be surfing in Morocco, skydiving, or travelling the world in a camper van.
Instead, describe an adventure you enjoy or went on, and show your humour in your profile, by sharing a specific example of doing something funny, something that always makes you laugh, or in how you write your profile.
If you’re romantic, describe your idea of a romantic night out.
Take time to list everything that makes you Fun and Fabulous first. Think about all the things you love doing when you’re at you’re happiest, without editing, analyzing or judging, and know your WHY to each. Whether its crocheting or rock climbing, it's you and it's perfect. The way you describe your passions, and why you love them makes the difference.
Don't fall into the trap of feeling you're not interesting enough.
Then take your favourite stories, qualities, and attributes from the list to create your profile. (the Fun, Fabulous, You exercise in your free eBook - sets the foundation for your profile- and will remind you of the variety of things you can say.)
Your Thirty Percent About What You're Looking For
A Zoosk study of millions of users found that saying they're looking for something serious resulted in 10% fewer messages.
Imagine meeting a single man at a bar for the first time, would you tell him that you’re looking for a partner, possibly marriage, and you won't allow him to buy you drink unless he wants the same.
The same applies online.
Quality relationship-minded men don’t respond to pressure, neither do you, even though everyone's hopeful that it will happen.
Most of the time, it isn't intentional, but that's the message received by quality men.
They have more of an "I'm open and let's see how this goes" approach. It's the smart way to approach online dating, along with maximising your quality connections.
It important to remember that there are specific, gradual levels of disclosure, which creates a genuine, deep connection with a man, over time, and with you.
If your vibe is too intense and demanding early on, it's the opposite way spark his interest.
Instead of directly "telling", express with your feminine energy.
Mention what’s important to you in a positive way, for example, your family, friends, an active healthy lifestyle, travelling and how you would enjoy sharing these with your partner.
Also explain how you are, in a positive way, or how your friends describe you, then invite likeminded men to connect.
It's a subtle and light approach yet has a purpose.
“I’m a positive person and would love to meet someone the same” as an example.
This will attract men, with common interests and those who want to share yours with you. You'll then shortlist the ones you continue to communicate with.
Remove and avoid the generic style phrases mentioned before.
"I’m a loving woman looking for a kind man / a man to share similar interests"
Avoid any negative phrases whatsoever, about what you don’t want or dislike. This will deter all men.
Manners and courtesy apply online, maintain yours even though too many have long forgotten these basics. If you do, you stand out that way alone, compared to most.
Your profile needs have enough hooks to make it easier, for him to comment and ask you questions to start a conversation. If he can’t find an easy way to break the ice to connect with you, he'll move on to the next profile that does.
All of the above tips will create plenty of these hooks for your quality match to start a conversation with you.
We underestimate that quality men (not boys) want to give you a positive first impression, and they take time to consider how to write their opening message to you.
Try it and see
To your success on your dating journey,
Best Maria x
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