12 PRINCIPALS FOR DATING SUCCESS
With so many dating books and online dating advice available today, not to mention the advice and opinions freely given by friends and family: the do's and don’ts of dating can make you feel overwhelmed.
On the one hand, the advice based on facts is helpful and provides much-needed awareness, insights, and encouragement in the right direction.
On the other hand, the sheer volume of information out there mixed with the “expert” opinions of friends and family can make us second guess ourselves and wonder if we are dating the "right" way.
I don't believe in dating rules, ONLY in setting a strong foundation for dating success, which starts with us.
With that said, here are my "12 Back to Basics Principals for Dating Success" to support you in dating authentically, confidently and trusting yourself without overwhelm and confusion
I recommend keeping these in mind as your dating compass to keep you on track during your dating journey.
1. PREPARE TO TAKE ACTION
Understand that Attracting Love requires Work.
The odds of Love just happening with minimal effort are extremely limited. It isn't real!
It’s a different dating world today, and if you genuinely and whole-heartedly want to attract a great partner, you have to accept our reality, and that is attracting love for most of us requires effort, action, a positive resilient attitude, and a smart strategy to maximise your opportunities and success.
This isn’t about being desperate or needy, it’s about understanding that in order to achieve your goal, you have to do something about it.
It can take time, so delaying, investing your time in everything else or giving up will keep you further away from it.
Instead, consider changing things up, pushing further past your comfort zone and objectively reflecting on how what you’re doing now is working for you?
If you're currently re-active and believe "it will happen when it happens" or "you never find it when you're looking for it", it's a myth.
It's logical and proven by science that you will attract love when you're more pro-active and take consistent action. This isn't new, it's the same principal for everything in life.
You also don't want to be too serious and rigid about it, as this will set you up for disappointment and change your energy to a negative one. Balance is key.
Could you be doing something you’re not aware of that’s preventing you having success with dating? I coach many clients on exactly this, and often many people don't realise their own blind spots which are't helping them, and sometimes don't know where to begin, and how to do it.
If that sounds like you, you'll find the link here inviting you to a free skype coaching discovery session to start you off in the right direction or to revise your current strategy
You're responsible for your outcome.
2. STOP BELIEVING THE “STORY” YOU’RE TELLING YOURSELF
By story, I mean all the reasons you’ve decided are now facts as to why it’s “difficult” or “impossible” to find a good partner
We've all heard these right?
Men never approach me; Women aren’t approachable; Men are scared of strong, successful women; Men want supermodels; I only attract younger or married men; The population is too small; People are too unfriendly; I need to lose weight / get in shape first. The list goes on and can be endless! (I've written about common dating beliefs and traps here)
How is thinking about these things helping you? Exactly! Not at all!
As cliche as it sounds, the truth is if you believe this, and invest your energy focussing on it, this is what you will see and likely experience.
Regardless of these situations, the solution is re-adjusting our attitude, beliefs and perception then putting effort into smart actions to attract the relationship you want. It also needs patience, and it's worth it.
Don’t limit yourself and play small by accepting and believing negative thoughts and opinions about your “circumstances”.
Consider them “fake” facts and challenge them.
Instead, create a new story by believing a great relationship is possible for you, you will attract a great partner, as millions of other single men and women have globally.
Then start investing your time and energy in how best you can do that. It starts with believing in it and being optimistic.
3. ABANDON RIGID DATING "RULES"
The energy and tone you set at the start of dating should be light, trusting, and open.
Deciding and acting on rigid, "Rules" comes from a place of control, and manipulation rather than authenticity. (e.g. wait 3 hours before replying to a text, even though you want to)
It can restrict the natural process of truly discovering the person you're dating, being authentic, and learning if a genuine connection and chemistry can develop- the most important thing!
Instead take the time to understand men, women, dating and communication intelligently from trusted people around you whose opinions aren't biased, quality sources like dating and relationship coaches and experts, and from quality books and articles based on research and facts.
Consider all the information, which resonates with you, then trust yourself to judge each situation in a smart and informed way.
There isn't a perfect answer, to each dating scenario. Attracting love involves learning about you along the way, and evolving. Stay open to it.
4. DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT & HOW YOU WANT TO BE TREATED
Be clear first about the values, morals, principals and character you want in your ideal partner, and those you are also bringing to the relationship table. For a real, lasting and happy relationship these need to go beyond superficial qualities.
It's worthwhile, periodically reflecting on what is truly valuable and important to you. This changes with maturity, personal growth and experiences. I've written about important factors to take into consideration here and here .
Being clear about how you want to be treated by your partner, will support you during your dating journey. If you want a partner who consistently shows you he/she is happy to see you, spend time with you, is respectful, attentive, responds to your needs, values you; respects your space, and independence; it's important to maintain your standards and check in with your feelings regularly.
If your date doesn't "show" you reasonable responsiveness or interest in progressing, it may not be a good match, so be selective in how much more time and energy you invest and move on quickly. Simple!
It's important to stay objective while you're discovering your partner, and not imposing assumptions that they are great or not so great too soon; or have extremely high demands or expectations on someone you just met. Bare in mind,
the way someone behaves with you during the first few dates (when you barely know each other) isn't necessarily a reflection of what kind of partner they will make. Good or not.
When someone likes you, they are more invested, and that can take time to build. The point is, you can't decide their "perfect partner" suitability if you don't know each other. Take time to learn about the person. I've written more about this here and here and here. (All based on facts and science)
5. VALUE AND RESPECT YOURSELF
As a high-value woman or man, you have respect for yourself, and others, and will feel instantly when you are not being valued, honoured and respected in return.
Many of us go wrong, by continuing in a negative situation even though it feels off. Don't ever do this.
Respecting yourself and your needs results in you not being taken for granted; not being pressured into moving too fast; and not personalising or accepting low-quality behaviour. You'll also be resilient against rejection.
This also means, you respect and value your life overall, and actively and intentionally work at having a well rounded, and happy balance for yourself first. Your partner should enhance your life and happiness and not be expected to make it.
6. BE AUTHENTIC
Revealing your true nature, charisma and personality from the first date truly gives your date an insight into the real you and how they will feel being with you. This is the "you" your date wants to meet and discover more about.
Relationship-mind men and women don't have time to invest energy in the "guarded and perfect" version of you and learn later there is a different person behind it. This is the most common reason relationships break up at the 3-6 month mark when the "mask" can't be sustained any longer.
This doesn't mean reveal all your secrets and bad habits on the first date, but to be comfortable being real. If you're not quite comfortable doing that yet, you might like to take the time to remind yourself about the positive qualities, which make you attractive and unique and feel more confident about those
7. AVOID OVER THINKING
Take time to detach from analysing, over-thinking and being influenced by the opinions of everyone and even yours sometimes! They are usually well intended, AND often just unhelpful assumptions.
A female client of mine recently shared with me that her married friends told her to just ask men she likes out, not to wait. "Its how it is now!" they said. Really?
That's an example of good intentions, but without the right understanding of my young clients, or dating as a quality woman today. If you've heard this advice, lets talk! Meanwhile, don't do that. (unless you've decided you will be the masculine energy in the relationship, then go ahead!- see my point below)
You know yourself better than anyone, connect with your feelings and how you want to be treated. How you feel during and after each date should be your guide along with these other principals.
Doing this allows you to be open hearted, open minded, warm, but still cautious in a low-key way, as you're getting to know your date.
By quietly observing your dates behaviours and actions, you're discovering who they are as a person. You'll then instinctively know when it "feels" right to take the next steps.
That's usually as a result of an equal exchange of care, attention, time, energy, and expression of feelings.
8. CHOSE YOUR MASCULINE OR FEMININE ENERGY IN THE RELATIONSHIP
This applies to both men and women. Many women complain about men who are too feminine and passive.
The energy you are most attracted to, should influence your choice, then lead with the opposite energy you're attracted to, in your dating life.
Decide which role you will take in the relationship. There are many misconceptions about what Masculine and Feminine energy is. I coach my clients around what this looks like in real life, and how to apply it in practice. These insights always surprise them and shifting into the right energy, can create a massive difference. This is key to attracting the right partner for you, and what could be turning potential partners off.
For many successful, smart women who are used to being pro-active and taking the lead. If want a masculine energy man, who will instinctively take the lead, do things for you, and want to make you happy, (even though we all know you can do it yourselves), you need to be tuned into your feminine energy. Generally this involves you taking a slightly more passive role, being receptive and relinquishing control in the early stages to allow him to take the lead and court you!
As a woman, if you're comfortable being in the masculine energy in your relationship as well as career, this can work perfectly with a man who leads more with his feminine energy and is more passive.
Similarly, if you are a more feminine energy man, and want to be with a feminine energy woman, it's important to dial up your masculine energy to attract her.
Both combinations can work wonderfully, but you need to decide which dynamic you want for your perfect relationship most of the time, and date accordingly.
9. DON'T ACT FROM FEAR
Remembering this will support you in times when your date hasn't reciprocated or responded in the way you want. This is especially useful for women.
In the beginning stages, alot may be happening in your dates’s life that they are not sharing with you- they don't owe you an explanation when you don't really know each other. If something is off, and you're concerned about them, raise it in a non-confrontational way, but never act from fear or insecurity. Keep your ego in check!.
Before deciding on your response, ask yourself "Am I about to say or do this because I'm afraid he/she won't if I don't? or "he will think I don't care if I don't".
Whatever the reason, be sure you're keeping all the principals in mind then make contact because you want to, without expectation, and not because you're angry, disappointed or fearful.
Then relax and carry on enjoying your busy life, and decide the next action when they reply. If they don't you have your answer. Next!
10. RELEASE ATTACHMENT FROM THE OUTCOME
To avoid overly investing especially in the very early stages of dating, never judge the outcome prematurely, or assume anything about the person you're dating or the status of your relationship.
Be present for each moment you’re with your date, and enjoy discovering who they are, their passions, needs, values and goals.
Until you have both communicated and confirmed mutual feelings of attraction, and interest to be exclusive you should in the meantime be enjoying your life without attachment to an outcome.
11. BURY THE PAST- IT'S OVER
Do the work to clear most of your baggage, hurt, blind spots, barriers from the past so that it doesn't influence your dating life. Stay aware of yourself and if your reactions are triggered by past wounds, and upset.
Understand this is human, and you can't switch them off overnight, but moving forward optimistically and expecting a better relationship for you, will also support the healing process.
Everyone has past hurts and disappointments. The past doesn’t dictate your future relationship success unless you haven’t done the work to be open and trusting again.
It’s always wise to take it slow and be cautious in any new relationship while you’re building trust, and discovering each other.
Remember it isn’t your new partner’s responsibility to fix your past hurt, and it isn’t fair to impose that expectation on anyone. That's your job!
12. HAVE A SMART STRATEGY
In the same way managing your career, business, family life takes planning, and a consistent investment of time energy and effort so does your dating life.
Almost everyone is busy! Filling your life with busy- ness, and not making space and time and being open to attract a relationship won’t result in one. Make sure your busy- ness isn't an excuse.
Create a plan of action and strategy to start taking steps towards attracting a great relationship for yourself, and choosing the right partner for you. I can support you with that with a complimentary dating strategy coaching session.
BONUS POINT: EXPECT TO ATTRACT A GREAT RELATIONSHIP.
Stay positive and maintain the strong belief within you, that you WILL attract the perfect partner for you.
When that happens, it will not feel confusing and hasn't involved you second-guessing yourself or feeling anything other than a peaceful, quiet confidence that it's right and enjoyable.
Wishing you continued love and success on your dating journey.
If you would like a fresh insight and support to create your smart strategy for dating success, book your complimentary 30 minute dating strategy coaching session here