Would you describe yourself as having high standards or being "too picky" when dating?
Have friends and family told you, you’re too picky and this is why you can’t find and keep a relationship?
Do you find yourself compromising your own standards when you date? Maybe you have committed to a relationship that you weren't entirely happy in, because you didn't want to be "too picky", and alone?
Let’s face it, as a Single Lady or Gentleman over 35 you’ve reached a point in your life where you absolutely know what you don’t want!
You don’t want to waste time on the wrong relationship that’s for sure. You have failed relationships and painful break ups behind you, and you’re not going to settle at this point in your life. And you shouldn’t!
So you have your list of all the no no’s, the turn offs and deal breakers. Everything, from bad table manners, height, weight, sense of humour, family background, teeth, personal hygiene, infidelity to education. Right?
But…. is your list moving you towards a meaningful relationship or holding you back from one?
There is a big difference between having High Standards and being Picky.
You know yourself better than anyone. Are your High Standards (non- negotiables) and preferences (things you’re picky about) all grouped together onto one long list?
If they are, and you don't give great people a chance because of that extra long list, you are probably limiting your prospects of connecting to someone great.
Don’t Compromise on Your High Standards
Of course, if your standards (core needs) aren’t met, you won’t be happy after the excitement of a new romance has settled down. So a question to seriously consider is what are your fundamental core needs in a partner- the beneath the surface level vitals
WHAT'S ON YOUR HIGH STANDARDS LIST?
These should be your non-negotiables. It’s worth taking the time periodically, to reflect and be honest with yourself about the standards you live by, those you want in your future partner and for the relationship: They will include:
Values, beliefs, faith, morals, principals, relationship and life goals, worldview, emotional health and stability, lifestyle, passion in life, smoking/ drinking habits, financial independence and security (one of the top 3 causes of marriage break- ups is money) family, children, where you will live, intellectual compatibility, honesty, temperament, personality, communication style and attachment needs.
Attraction and chemistry are always important, and can grow with the process of connection, given the chance. Deep connection and chemistry aren't the instant buzz many expect to feel when meeting someone special. It has been known to happen for a lucky few, but the instant spark is usually just infatuation and surface level attraction, which without substance will die quickly. It's long-term chemistry that keeps a relationship alive- and worth investing in.
Having compatible core standards is the foundation of a strong relationship, and not to be compromised. These make or break a relationship!
Emotionally mature, relationship ready ladies and gentlemen are clear about their non-negotiables/ high standards. This is balanced with a healthy self-awareness and realism of themselves, and the standards they are bringing to the relationship table.
What does being Picky Look like?
Over and above your core standards are your WANTS; the little annoying habits, and preferences....…that often occupy too much of our thoughts when thinking about a potential partner.
Things like; looks, physical attributes (blue eyes, model looks, six-pack), hobbies, good table manners, travel, too quiet, too loud, style, messy or tidy….and they shouldn’t be deal breakers
Some have some significance, but these can be influenced and changed by a person motivated by love, which is the goal.
Bad table manners or always being 30 minutes late can be annoying, and may not be something you want to change in a potential partner over 35, I understand. But isn’t one of only two or three "annoyances" worth overlooking in a person if they have more significant positive traits? Is anyone perfect?
If your WANTS influence your judgement first; instead of your NEEDS; it’s likely you are setting an impossible standard for a potential partner and limiting your chance of meeting someone genuinely right for you.
Choosing a partner based on your superficial "wants" act as barriers keeping you from a long- term committed relationship. A real and lasting relationship consists of imperfect elements too!
Avoid “Type Hype"
Paul C Brunsen, a leading Coach and Matchmaker describes the inability to separate Needs and Values from Wants as “Type Hype“ he says quite rightly
“Beauty and wealth. Education and class. They all sound good on paper, but you can meet the most beautiful, wealthy, educated aristocrat of your dreams and they could be an amoral beast. To get the love we want we have to learn how to move beyond “types” and look for love based on common “values” and complimentary “personality.” Love doesn’t come from “type hype.”
Now’s the time to do your TYPE - Tune Up. Here are some TIPS to make the best quality match for you.
1) Start a new List. Separate your absolute Non-negotiable Standards (NEEDS) and your Preferences (WANTS). Ask yourself if I meet someone special tomorrow, what 7 High Standards will be enough for me to be very happy with him/her?
2) Separate which annoying things and preferences can be influenced /changed and which ones can't. Bad table manners and superficial issues don’t mean someone won’t be a good long term partner. A bad temper and rudeness can’t be changed. The caliber of both is very different and shouldn't be in the same category.
3) Understand that the traits you don’t like may actually be a good complement for you. Always consider a wider perspective; someone being too quiet and laid back when you are very chatty, loud and highly energetic, might just be a complimentary balance unless you want someone exactly like you! Opposites can attract if your standards are aligned. Give it a chance to see how it evolves. It may just be a positive thing.
4) When something your date does annoys you, ask yourself “Why?” Are you reacting to something that has more to do with you than them? For example, maybe your date hasn’t made plans and shows up and asks you. “What would you like to do?” This indecisiveness might be a turn-off because you resented an ex for not doing the same. Consider that it could be more psychological on your part, rather than a problem in the person you’re dating. If you find yourself making these judgments, take the time to understand your triggers and work on clearing them. Avoid unfairly imposing these expectations on the person you’re dating and in the relationship.
5) Be honest with yourself and really learn your core personality type and attachment style. Do you need to adjust and be flexible in some areas to be compatible with other personality types?
If you find yourself on the picky side, with someone who seems to have many of your core standards in order, give it a chance and discover who he/ she is on the inside before dismissing them too quickly based on superficial judgments. If they don’t meet your core standards; move on quickly.
Finally, be patient with the journey, have fun, be pro-active and open- minded, which will generally attract people to you but never compromise on your high standards.
Remember you will meet the person perfect for you at the right time. Don't give up hope that they are out there.
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